I am impatient, for as long as I can remember I have always been in a rush. I love lists, making the, crossing them off, and there is no greater satisfaction to me than ticking off something on one of my lists, and ticking them off hastily. I make lists for almost everything, goals, fitness, food , workload and you might have guessed I love those listography journals; I have plenty of them in various forms. The whole routine makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something , as if life is not been wasted, its all chronicled and days are not being wasted.
But what happens when there is that one thing on your list, its been there for a while and you just can’t cross it off. If it was up to you it would have been crossed out already. But now its been there for years, staring at you, mocking you. Year after year, the paper with the list gets older, mustier until perhaps it goes missing. Perhaps it disseminates slowly until there is none of it late. Perhaps you have moved on to a forth journal from the one with that list.
How do you get the courage to go on believing that that thing on your list will finally come to fruition. As time goes on it becomes even more unlikely, the odds get even slimmer. You start to believe why would it happen now when it hasn’t happened yet. My instinct is to give up, hang my boots, pack up and leave. At various moments in my life I’m crippled with so much fear and anxiety about the future I conclude that I’m ready to move on, I’m ready to re-write my dreams, my story, redefine my desires and refocus my goals. I’m convinced I can be happy if I learn to live without that thing on my list. I’m resolved to make it because I have to. I’m convinced God does not owe me anything and it is not my birth right to get that thing crossed off my list. I recently heard this song (from Bethel) during worship at church that has had me thinking;
I was awash with these words and as I absorbed the words, I felt the beautiful simple truth; God is faithful, he’s never failing and his thoughts are higher than mine. I can only see as far as my belief, my dreams are limited by how abundant I think God is. At this moment I feel, yes “feel” God has forgotten that part of my dreams. But as beautifully as God works, I come across James 1 vs 6-8;
“But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord, he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”
This rattled me a little, in fact it slightly offended me (best way to know if God is convicting you of something, is getting offended:P). So in my waiting and choosing to close the door because nothing is coming through, I’m just like that wave. God wants perseverance to finish its work in me, so I can be mature and complete. He is in the waiting , the perseverance, the growing, the maturing, the pain and the cocoon stage. Lamentations 3 vs 32;